heartstrings

my mind is a hollow mess of a thousand echoes
bouncing off the walls of my heart
they whisper to me in loud voices
preying on labile feelings and desires

my gaze rests upon glitters and sparkles
with eyes like lust, I stare
coveting the things I cannot have
and the days long gone

this flesh made from clay
craves to be admired and adorned
it needs trophies and applause
it delights in vain glory

lIke the strings of a newly wound guitar
you pluck gently yet firmly
producing a melody so perfect it hurts
you hold out Your hand for a dance
my feet stay glued, tired from the journey of mistakes past

your eyes search mine gently,
I hear the words Your mouth need not speak,
“trust, put your hand in Mine, dance”
I see your eyes swim with tears
your hand is still held out
your body poised to dance with me

you strip me away gently
with hands like love
removing the debris upon my spirit
breathing me to life
you quiet my will firmly
with words like fire
setting me ablaze
breaking me to stillness

HIs Heartbeat, Her Pulse.

Dear Abba,
One too many compromises later,
my life is unattractive.
I’m constantly walking in defeat,
and living below Your standards.
How can you love me still?

Dear Child,
I love you unconditionally,
My trip to Calvary covered it all.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,
then you would know that I see My Son when I look at you.
Perfect,
Blameless.

Dear Abba,
My hormones are raging
and everything in me is screaming gratification,
I never thought I would be on this page again,
In a different journal with yet another male specimen.
How was I to know
that time spent in the back of a car with a preacher was not a sermon.

Dear Child,
the nagging feeling at the back of your mind
was my way of telling you to wait.
You wanted to, but you were not firm
You have to learn to mean what you say
Just like I taught you to.

Dear Abba,
I’m such an emotional wreck inside
Like pieces of a porcelain doll
carefully glued together
I wear masks,
of different shapes and shades
Whatever suits my audience

Dear Child,
forgive yourself, and forgive him
Just like I forgave you,
the alternative is a downward spiral to perdition
You do not want to be the reason why people look back at Sodom
Look upon Calvary and draw your strength
You are stronger than you think

Dear Abba,
what if I fail?
What if I’m not strong enough?
What if I’m a weakling?

Dear Child,
before you were formed in your mother’s womb, I knew you
I chose you before the foundations of the world
I knew you then, and I chose to love you
Keep your heart in sync with Mine
Until you become the masterpiece I already see

Dear Abba,
sometimes I think your expectations of me are too high
Your standards too lofty to truly attain
How did Your Son do it?
How did He keep Himself unblemished from the world?
How did he resist the allure of this world?

Dear Child,
trust me to keep you from falling,
Know that my grace is sufficient for you
Abide in me, and I will abide in you
My yoke is easy and my burden is light

Dear Abba,
Your love is never-ending, overwhelming
It overflows the river banks
Its depth Is unfathomable
Its height immeasurable
I long to know it and fully understand the depths of it
Show me.

Dear Child,
I gave My Son in exchange for your life
So that you could stand before Me with confidence
Where you’ll see with perfect clarity,
The depth of My love for you.
Wait.

(c) Olamide Oti, 2015

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Hebrews 4:14-16

Dear Father,

Today I am grateful for the life that you have given me.
There are times when I feel so far away from you,
My faith wavers and I forget who I am in you.
So I slip and fall from your tight embrace.

Every so often, my life is in disarray.
Today, I am sold out to you,
Tomorrow, my faith takes a plunge,
I often wonder how you can put up with my inconsistencies.

Each time I allow sin to drag me under,
The feelings are the same; those of shame, dejection and regret.
He whispers lies into my ears,
And drops a veil over my eyes,
Blinding me to the truth that
You will never leave me nor forsake me

Day after day,
the veil becomes clouded with more doubts than my feeble heart can take,
Somehow your voice breaks through my muddled mind and unplugs my ears,
Softening a heart so unwilling to believe how a God so perfect can love me.
Through the days when I stumble and fall,
You are there waiting, willing me to take your hand.
My mind cannot comprehend a love so perfect and I resist it because I do not understand it.

Every year, I resolve to have a better relationship with you,
A more stable one, devoid of failings.
By March, the euphoria of making it into the new year gradually evaporates,
My gratitude diminishes; old habits regain their appeal,
And become more important than trusting in a God whom I cannot see,
And whose love I barely comprehend.

By July, the void in my heart desires to be filled,
And so I try everything else but you,
Until there is nothing left but you
Then slowly but surely, I decide that the day has come to give you my life.
For a while, I can feel the change coursing through me.
They told me that singular act was the beginning of a new life.

Then the days turned into weeks,
And with the wind, the euphoria disappeared.
Now I realise that my walk with you is a journey of a lifetime.
Father, like Moses I thirst for an encounter with you.
One that will give me a clearer understanding of who You are.
Amidst the uncertainties that life brings, only one thing is sure,
Your perfect, immeasurable love for me.

Day by day, the world is turning against you,
And I struggle against the tides that threaten to drown me.
Teach me Your will and help me to receive your love;
Help me to serve you with all of my heart,
Hold me in your hands Father and never let me go.

Dear Child,

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I love you.
I just wish you believed me.

Day after day, my heart breaks as you deny me.
Thoughts of me make you cringe as you question my existence,
I call to you, but you do not answer,
Your ears are shut to the sound of my voice,
Your heart cold as ice, unyielding as ever.

I knew you before you were formed,
I beamed at your conception,
I rejoiced at your birth.
I believed in you when no one else would,
Tended to your bruises,
Soothed your pain.

Everything that has happened to you,
Every blight in your past,
Every drought in your present,
Has happened for a reason only I can see,
Listen close, for my heart beats for you,
Your name is tattooed on the palm of my hand,
Your face etched forever in my memory.
I will not give up on you my child,
For no one can love you as much as I do.

I just need you to look past your hurt, and see what can still be.
I never promised that your life would be perfect,
Roses have thorns too, you see.
If you would just trust me and test me,
Only then will you see,
That I can give you peace.

I am your Father, and I love you like no one else can.